SPOILER ALERT: This post is only spoilers.
Y'all, let's cut right to it: The Suicide Squad came out this past weekend, and — if you know anything about me as a writer on BuzzFeed Dot Com: The Website: The Musical: The Series — then you already know I like to rank movie-related things* just 'cause.
Warner Bros.
ANYWAY, in this post I'll be ranking the deaths in The Suicide Squad in order of how genuinely shocked I was, while also simultaneously rating them on a scale of one to 10 by how cool they were to look at*. Is that kinda morbid? Sure! But it's a movie called The Suicide Squad, so welcome to this kinda morbid post!!!
Warner Bros.
*So, the RANK is based on shock factor alone, while the RATING is based on how cool a method of demise it was alone. Got that?! Good, because it's needlessly convoluted!
Before we go any further, a warning: this post contains SPOILERS. It contains SPOILERS for the movie The Suicide Squad. In fact, this post is, like, ONLY SPOILERS for the movie The Suicide Squad.
© Warner Bros. /Courtesy Everett Collection
So, if you haven't seen the movie in theaters or on HBO Max yet, please bookmark this post and go watch it first! I'm serious. If you have the nerve to complain about spoilers in the comments after this warning, I give the other commenters free rein to call you a "big ol' butthead" right to your virtual face! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
Everyone who doesn't want to be spoiled gone? Okay, perfect. Time to rank the most shocking deaths in 2021's The Suicide Squad. HERE WE GO:
15. My Own Personal, Unwavering Skepticism
Getty Images / Artur Debat
Get it? Because we were all a little skeptical when they announced this project given how not-so-great the 2016 one was, but then the not-quite-a-reboot/not-quite-a-sequel here turned out great? So, like, my skepticism around it died? Wocka Wocka!
Okay, seriously y'all, I'm just buying time because I already KNOW some spoiler complainers haven't clicked away from this post yet, so GO. AWAY. This was your last chance!!!
Now, for realsies, here we go:
14. Weasel (well, sort of)
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: Drowning after being dropped in the ocean from a helicopter because no one bothered to check if this poor afghan hound could float.
Why It's Ranked Here: It made me sad.
Death Coolness Rating: 1/10 — a lawsuit in the making. They're just lucky he lived (sorta?). Also, I love how he runs, it's hilarious! The run gets a 10/10 and it almost made me forget that he killed 27 children!
13. Starro the Conqueror
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: Javelin to the eye, followed swiftly by being eaten from the inside out by rats. Like LASIK surgery gone real, real wrong.
Why It's Ranked Here: As much as I love the idea of a giant-ass starfish named Starro (and believe me, I do), I think we all knew Starro was not long for this world the second the squad decided to turn around and face them. Sorry Starro (you were scary as heck, though, so great job)!
Death Coolness Rating: 10/10 — I wish Margot Robbie would swim around in MY eye.
12. T.D.K.
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: Shot to death, arms first. I feel like there's an "arm's race" joke here that I'm missing, but I'm too tired to figure it out right now. Help me in the comments, thanksss.
Why It's Ranked Here: I love Captain Mal Reynolds as much as the next nerd, but we all knew T.D.K. was going to D.I.E.
Death Coolness Rating: 2/10 — bullet deaths are boring, but he gets an extra point for getting one of the first big laughs in my theater for the sad little slaps he gave those soldiers with his detachable arms.
11. Mongal
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: This alien lady rode a flaming helicopter straight into hell and it was metal as heck, kinda.
Why It's Ranked Here: Like Weasel and T.D.K., I don't think anyone thought she was going to make it further than the first act, but the cool practical makeup she had did make me think they'd be a little more generous with her screen time.
Death Coolness Rating: 9/10 — my girl here went down in a literal and metaphorical blaze of glory. You love to see it.
10. Javelin
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: Shot. Like, a lot. He was shot a lot.
Why It's Ranked Here: I was low-key shipping him and Harley pretty hard within the first 10 minutes, so his death made me disappointed, but, like those listed above, not completely surprised.
Death Coolness Rating: 1/10 — don't bring a sharp stick to a surprise gunfight.
9. Blackguard
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: Face blown off for being foolish.
Why It's Ranked Here: This is an example of what I like to call a "reverse Psycho" (or, I guess for the slightly younger crowd, a "reverse Scream"). Back in the day, if you put a huge-name actor in something like this, people would be shocked if they died at all, never mind early on — whereas now, I think we all knew he wasn't going to last longer than 15 minutes.
Death Coolness Rating: 5/10 — while it was just another bullet kill and somewhat unsurprising for fans, it was still a cool CGI effect that would've only been improved if Harley had turned to Flag after and said, "Thank U, Next."
8. Savant
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: Head blown up for disobeying Amanda Waller.
Why It's Ranked Here: I was decently surprised by this death for multiple reasons, including but not limited to the fact that the opening was framed entirely around him and he's played by a James Gunn regular, Michael Rooker.
Coolness Rating: 8/10 — I love heads exploding! And even though he was running away in fear to try and save his own skin, his body became a meal for birds immediately after, so it was a selfless death, really!
7. Milton
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: Shot while trailing the team into Jötunheim. Unwaveringly loyal.
Why It's Ranked Here: POOR MILTON. I liked him from the beginning, I just didn't say anything.
Death Coolness Rating: 2/10 — getting shot is still kinda a basic way to go out, but an extra point here because it led to a hilarious back-and-forth between Polka Dot Man, Bloodsport, and Harley Quinn.
6. Presidente General Silvio Luna
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: Shot in the stomach by Harley Quinn for being too much of a toxic fuqboi, even for her.
Why It's Ranked Here: I was actually surprised by this one, considering he was framed as the big bad (or, at least, second only to the giant-ass starfish). Plus, as a horror movie lover and apologist (stay with me), I always have to acknowledge a good, subtle jump scare when I see one — and when Harley shot this guy mid-monologue, I nearly jumped out of my skin. It was the perfect use of silence!
Death Coolness Rating: 3/10 — again, getting shot's a pretty boring way to go, but an extra two points here for Harley's A+ speech about why she killed him. Character development! Don't settle, ladies!
5. The Thinker
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: Torn to pieces by the giant-ass starfish.
Why It's Ranked Here: Remember that episode of SpongeBob SquarePants where Patrick was really mad at SpongeBob for not getting him a Valentine's Day gift? Imagine if he did this instead of just, like, yelling and stuff. A tangent. Anyway, I love Peter Capaldi and, like with #6, I was surprised to see another big bad go so easily.
Death Coolness Rating: 8/10 — killed by his own creation. True art. Take that, Martin Scorsese.
4. Captain Boomerang
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: Stabbed by a butt-ton of tree bark shards, then crushed by Mongal's flaming helicopter.
Why It's Ranked Here: Boomer!!! I was just starting to like you!!! I was genuinely shocked to see him eat it, given that he was a relic from the original and I subconsciously assumed they'd all make it out, since they did the first time (see #1 for a second example of this).
Death Coolness Rating: 7/10 — that shot of his burnt hand holding up the still-glowing boomerang in the opening credits was sick.
3. The Polka Dot Man
© Warner Bros. / Courtesy Everett Collection
Method O' Demise: Crushed by the giant-ass starfish that may or may not have really been his mother all along.
Why It's Ranked Here: This was an excellent shock-kill! I definitely figured we weren't going to lose another main member of the squad after just having seen [insert #1] brutally murdered, so this one legitimately caught me off guard. I do believe I gasped!
Death Coolness Rating: 5/10 — he died the way he lived: being crushed by the existential weight of his mother.
2. The Poor, Unsuspecting Rebels
© Warner Bros. /Courtesy Everett Collection
Method O' Demise: Varied and, frankly, spectacular.
Why It's Ranked Here: It's not often I gently whisper "Oh no" out loud in a movie theater, but — after it was revealed that the squad had accidentally killed a bunch of innocent rebels rather than actual soldiers — I sure did.
Death Coolness Rating: 10/10 — while I feel horrible for the innocents killed, I have to admit: the Legolas/Gimli-esque kill competition between Bloodsport and Peacemaker leading up to the reveal was fun as heck to watch.
1. Rick Flag
Warner Bros. / HBO Max
Method O' Demise: Stabbed by Peacemaker in one of the most emotionally grounded sequences in the whole movie.
Why It's Ranked Here: "Rick Flag dying" was about the last thing I'd ever think to put on my The Suicide Squad bingo card. It's a beautiful combo of the same reason I thought Captain Boomerang would make it and the reason I knew Amanda Waller would never be touched beyond a light "BOINK" to the dome. He felt uber-protected.
Death Coolness Rating: 11/10 — the way the fight was shot partially in the reflection of Peacemaker's helmet was AWESOME, and — as a not-so-secret wrestling fan myself — it was fun to ~see~ John Cena in action. Overall, I love the guts it took to kill off Flag, and I also loved seeing his guts when he got stabbed! Excellent CGI use! We'll miss you, Flag. You were just starting to become fun!
And there ya have it! That's my ranking, but what's yours? What'd you think of the movie? Share all of your thoughts and feelings in the comments below! I care deeply about all of your thoughts and feelings, and — as I say every time — I read all of the comments on these posts because I love you! So be nice! Or don't! You don't owe me anything and everyone has bad days! I understand!
Okay, bye until next time!